Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A Terror Beyond Falling

Yesterday afternoon, news broke of the death by hanging of Robin Williams. He was 63. As one of the most beloved (and longest lasting) comedians in the world, Williams' death came as a shock to most, even those who knew how long and hard he has battled against his own demons. By now, more than enough has been said about the quiet desperation present in his work, and how his outward appearance as a manic funnyman was most likely a response to the crushing sadness he no doubt felt for his entire adult life. As someone who has dealt with depression for over half of my life, I understand both the temptation and the relief Williams must have felt at the end. It's true that the first thought most clinically depressed people must have had when the heard the news was a brief sense of relief to go along with the sadness. My mother fought breast cancer for over a year starting in July 2011, but it was her depression, brought on by both her disease and her disintegrating marriage, that nearly killed her and forced her to seek help.

Perhaps more broadly important, Williams' death has set off a widespread discussion of the true perils of depression, on twitter on the internet as a whole, with most people posting links to suicide helplines and at least the bare minimum of "everyone cares about you" or "don't give up." While there is absolutely nothing wrong with these sentiments, and they surely are welcome, one has to wonder how effective they truly are. While I'm sure someone uses them, there's not a single depressed person I know or have ever known that would even consider using a hotline. While this might seem counter-productive (why not seek help if you need help? No one refuses to go to the hospital if they break their leg), what I'm going to try to do is explain why. I've seen more than one person express sincere confusion and a lack of understanding of what, exactly this disease is and how it effects people. Its symptoms are as hard to describe as they are to experience, but I'll do my best.

For all the coverage of depression as an eminently sad thing, which it is, there's an aspect of it that never seems to be mentioned: how much of it is based on fear. Plenty of days, maybe most, I feel happy, capable and ready to take on the world. I'm not sad. I'm not bed-ridden. Yet, I know my depression is there, ready to take me, because I'm never not afraid. Afraid that I'm not good enough, that I'm not qualified, worthy, or even likable. Afraid that some day, everyone I know and rely upon for support, whether they know it or not, will uniformly reject me. I'm afraid that if that happens, I'll deserve it. It controls my life and the choices I make much more completely than the bouts of very real and crushing sadness I have to contend with every few days or weeks. The fear that something will happen that will force back into the cold, unfeeling maw that I claw myself out of is what drives me. It's why I rarely have nightmares, because I'm afraid enough in my waking life to compensate.

It's this feeling of general anxiety and inadequacy that makes me unable even to order a pizza, for fear that person on the other will know, somehow, how I'm feeling and mock me for it. Fear of rejection or mockery, fear of the uncountable stigmas associated with depression (or all mental illnesses), both in our culture and in our language dictates nearly every choice I make. It's why I choose not to go out most Saturdays, why I've almost never approached a professor for help, why I spent several hours during my first trip to Las Vegas Summer League in 2012 crying from nerves in an empty hallway, and why I've never asked a woman out who I wasn't already friends with. The concept of going outside my painstakingly established comfort zone is utterly alien. Thankfully, I've managed to expand my comfort zone over the past few years and carve out something resembling a normal life.

The two most important steps to dealing with depression, more important than any sort of medication or therapy could ever be, are first accepting the disease and then establishing a support structure to deal with its effects. The former is almost impossible for some people, as it seemed to be for my mother for the longest time, but it's the most important step imaginable. The second is less important by definition, but still critical and necessary. There's much made of the simple act of listening to someone's troubles, and though I can say from experience that it's very helpful, I understand how daunting a task it might seem. Perhaps more importantly, all we need is a friend. Someone to hang out with and to escape the pressures of the depressive mind is life-savingly important. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually talked through any of my issues with the people I consider my best friends on the planet, either in my day to day life or on the internet. This doesn't mean they aren't my support structure. Even my dog has been stupendously helpful in this regard.

Robin Williams' fight is over, and believe me when I say it was a fight just as involved and dangerous as any other disease. He was afraid, but he was not a coward. He was hurt, but he was not weak. His daughter, Zelda, is less than two months younger than I am, and  now she is without her father. There's nothing that can repair her loss, but perhaps her loss can help other people, which I'm sure Robin would have wanted. Even without ever knowing him outside the relationship defined by his comedy, I can say that, because that's the relationship he wanted. That persona is what he wanted the world to see instead of the sad, angry and afraid man he surely was underneath. Depressives inherently distrust success. They know how fleeting it is and how likely they are to be right back where they started or worse when it fades. That a man as successful as Robin Williams could feel strongly enough to take his own life is testament to this.

All I hope is that the proper message comes of this. Telling people to seek help is good advice, but not as good as offering help. Or even just being their friend.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The Five Best Xbox 360 Games by Each Year: Ode on a Grecian Xbox

Come this Monday, June 9th, Microsoft's Xbox One will debut at its new price of $399, which will prompt me to go to my local Gamestop, trade in my Xbox 360 and all my games, and buy one (and I might be able to do it without spending more than $80 or so of my own money, which would be nice).

As such, I thought it fitting to offer a small tribute of sorts to a console that I've owned in some form for eight years, a little under a third of my entire life to this point. After some (like five minutes) deliberation, I decided to write a little thing on the five best games I played during each year of the console's existence. 2005 doesn't count since I didn't own one then and there's like 5 weeks worth of games anyway.


2006

5- Saints Row. Volition, Inc.

In plot, it is infantile. In tone, it is sophomoric. Also, it had one of the great demos in the history of gaming.


4- Prey. Human Head Studios.

Inventive isn't a good word for this game, but it tried to do something different, even if that something different was buried under a pile of same.


3- Hitman: Blood Money. IO Interactive.

 Blood Money is every bit one of those early generation console games that seems rather unsure of how to live up to the next-gen moniker outside of having better graphics. Still very fun and strange.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKbptWt_Qs4


2- Gears of War, Epic Games.

Is Gears of War a great series? I don't know, but in 2006 I could have been convinced so. One of the first great cooperative games of the generation.


1- The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Bethesda Softworks.

Looking at it now, you'd never believe that Oblivion was once considered the best looking game that had ever existed. In early 2006, though? It was mind-blowing. It was the first next-gen game I ever saw, and it almost single-handedly sold me on the concept.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYuW77erTMw


2007

5- Guitar Hero III. Harmonix.

Let's be honest: Guitar Hero is one of the stupidest things that was ever a gaming phenomenon. Have you ever watched someone play it? Damned fun, though.


4- Mass Effect. BioWare.

Compared to most games of its time, Mass Effect was ambitious in scope, depth and tone. It looks small and meaningless next to its successors, but it still has a cavalier sort of charm to it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIX49xC9rXo


3- Halo 3. Bungie.

Halo 3 might be a bad game. I played it far too much to tell.


2- BioShock. Irrational Games.

Most any other year, BioShock would hold the top spot. This is a game that worms its way into your subconscious. At this point, it's hard to envision what things would be like without it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3RHenh8vJ8


1- The Orange Box. Valve Corporation.

Throw out the fact that Half-Life 2 and its first expansion are in this. Just take the new games. You have the far superior second expansion, the sequel to one of the great online shooters in history, and perhaps the perfect distillation of the art form (those being HL2 Episode Two, Team Fortress 2 and Portal respectively).


2008


5- Dead Space. EA Redwood Shores.

Dead Space is a throwback to the halcyon days of survival horror, with one of the most immersive interfaces in the history of the medium.


4- Lost Odyssey. Mistwalker Studios.

Speaking of throwbacks, Lost Odyssey might as well be called Final Fantasy XI for how strictly it adheres to the turn-based formula. The last spark of a dying age.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6jfz9rhZpY


3- Gears of War 2. Epic Games.

Is Gears 2 any better than Gears 1? Probably not. But it wasn't any worse.


2. Grand Theft Auto IV. Rockstar Games.

GTA IV was spellbinding when it was released. It's still the best representation of New York in the medium, and one of the best in all of entertainment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M80K51DosFo


1. Fallout 3. Bethesda Softworks.

Staggering in its scope, execution, detail, impact and solitude.



2009


5- Left 4 Dead 2. Valve Corporation.

Essentially the same pretty enjoyable game as the year before, just in a weaker year.


4- Assassin's Creed II. Ubisoft.

I found it strange that ACII ranked up here given my dislike of the series, but this is its pinnacle.


3- Dragon Age: Origins. BioWare.

By all accounts a better game on PC still ends up pretty good here.


2- Halo 3: ODST. Bungie.

The shortest, smallest, and loneliest of the Halo games. Perhaps, in some ways, my favorite.


1- Batman: Arkham Asylum. Rocksteady.

The best superhero game ever created and probably the best Batman adaptation not to air on FOX in the early 90s.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGk2z7KDCzI



2010


5. BioShock 2. 2k Marin

What seems like the least necessary sequel of all time proves itself more than just commentary on a superior product.


4. Halo: Reach. Bungie

Bungie says goodbye to its flagship with a game half maudlin, half memorial.


3. Fallout: New Vegas. Obsidian Entertainment

I know several people who prefer New Vegas to Fallout 3. I disagree, but I can understand their reasoning.


2. Red Dead Redemption. Rockstar

When people talk about Rockstar becoming a more emotionally mature studio, RDR is what they mean.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUXGW6sWYDY


1. Mass Effect 2. BioWare.

If ever a game series has improved  more from one game to the next, I haven't seen it. ME2 is a monolith of gaming, and a wonderful tribute to visceral late 80s-early 90s sci-fi.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H__tnAFL3d8


2011


5. L.A. Noire. Team Bondi.

It's weird looking and barely a game, but a more thorough tribute to film noir I have never seen in gaming.


4. Batman: Arkham City. Rocksteady.

It loses some of the focus of its more linear predecessor, but Arkham City features perhaps the most detailed open world in gaming, and also allows for things like this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raPM-c-aEdU


3. Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Eidos Montreal.

No better example of the wonders created by perfect synergy between theme, art design and tone has ever existed, I think.


2. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Bethesda Softworks.

Skyrim is the reigning king of free-roam, narrative-through-random-chance gaming until whenever the next Elder Scrolls game comes out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKMiEGnJzhg


1. Portal 2. Valve Corporation.

Portal 2 is one of the funniest games ever created at the same time as being one of the most interesting, well-written and inventive. A masterstroke.


2012



5. XCOM: Enemy Unknown/Within. Firaxis Games.

A triumphant return from a franchise I could barely remember. I bought this game after seeing one gameplay video, and was never disappointed.


4. Halo 4. 343 Studios.

Equal parts radical departure and cloying tribute, Halo 4 does the impossible by not being rent asunder by its seemingly oxymoronical design.


3. The Walking Dead. Telltale Games.

Some would tell you that The Walking Dead isn't a game. That doesn't change the fact that it's great, and far and away the best thing related to this series.


2. Dishonored. Arkane Studios.

It's like an oil painting. With teleportation. And stabbing. And lots of rats. So many rats.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcSc4uBc3nQ


1. Mass Effect 3. BioWare.

Yes, I still think this. No, I don't care about a shitty ending or shorter missions. ME3 gets me, and also gets bonus points for having the most surprisingly great multiplayer mode ever conceived.



2013/2014


5. Dead Space 3. EA Redwood.

It should be evidence of how great 2011 was that the vastly superior Dead Space 2 didn't make it but this occasionally lackluster game did. Still, when it was good, it was better than either of the others. When it was bad, it was different.


4. Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes.

Yeah, it's a 3 hour game. Yeah, it's basically a paid demo. I didn't mind (because I rented it). I am officially stoked for the main product.


3. Batman: Arkham Origins. WB

While it does do what everyone feared and play like an inferior expansion to Arkham City, no one ever explained why, exactly, that was a bad thing.


2. BioShock: Infinite. Irrational Games

In what will likely be the last BioShock game from Ken Levine, Infinite was polarizing, mesmerizing, disappointing, enthralling, surprising and ultimately, memorable. That's all I can ask.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLHW78X1XeE


1. Grand Theft Auto V. Rockstar Games.

Look at this game compared to GTA IV. It's almost inconceivable that they were released during the same console generation. What a generation it was.



The 50 Best Xbox 360 Games

50. Alan Wake
49. Left 4 Dead
48. Injustice: Gods Among Us
47. Brutal Legend
46. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
45. Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
44. NBA 2k11
43. Max Payne 3
42. Resident Evil 5
41. Dead Space 3
40. NBA 2k12
39. Assassin's Creed II
38. Hitman: Blood Money
37. Dead Space- 2008
36. Dragon Age II- 2011
35. Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes- 2014
34. Dead Space 2- 2011
33. Final Fantasy XIII- 2010
32. Gears of War 2- 2008
31. Batman: Arkham Origins- 2013
30. Gears of War 3- 2011
29. L.A. Noire- 2011
28. Dragon Age: Origins- 2009
27. Gears of War- 2006
26. Borderlands 2- 2012
25. Dark Souls- 2011
24. The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion- 2006
23. XCOM: Enemy Unknown/Within- 2012
22. BioShock 2- 2010
21. Halo 3: ODST- 2009
20. Fallout: New Vegas- 2010
19. Halo: Reach- 2010
18. Mass Effect- 2007
17. Batman: Arkham City- 2011
16. The Walking Dead- 2012
15. Halo 3- 2007
14. Deus Ex: Human Revolution- 2011
13. Dishonored- 2012
12. BioShock- 2007
11. Batman: Arkham Asylum- 2009
10. BioShock Infinite- 2013
9. Grand Theft Auto IV- 2008
8. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim- 2011
7. Red Dead Redemption- 2010
6. Fallout 3- 2008
5. Mass Effect 3- 2012
4. Grand Theft Auto V- 2013
3. Portal 2- 2011
2. The Orange Box- 2007
1. Mass Effect 2- 2010