Friday, March 16, 2012

Obligatory March Madness Tie-In: More First Round Action!

Hello. Shall we continue?



Miyamoto Regional


#1 The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo, 1998) vs #16 The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (Nintendo, 2003)

This Legendary matchup (it's the Miyamoto Region, what other games were I supposed to go with?) went into overtime, as the newer, showier Zelda looked to defeat it's older, also showier predecessor. One of these was called the greatest game of all time. The other was called a travesty by certain VERY undesirable sections of the alltogether undesirable Nintendo fanboy swarm. The joke is that they're the same game. One just has cel-shading. That one looks better now, and it will continue to look better in the future. Wind Waker wins.


#8 Super Smash Bros.: Melee (Nintendo, 2001) vs #9 The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (Bethesda, 2002)

Morrowind, one of the biggest games of its time, takes on SSB: Melee, one of the most focused games of its time, and- *falls asleep*.

Melee wins. Because this.


#5 Fallout 3 (Bethesda, 2008) vs #12 Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II (LucasArts, 1997)

I love Jedi Knight. I really do. It's a game well before it's time. It held the title of my favorite Star Wars game for nearly 7 years. It had the first official live action Star Wars footage filmed since Return of the Jedi.

Fallout 3 has Liam Neeson. As your father. Jedi Knight has no chance. This one's over by halftime.


#4 Metroid Prime (Retro Studios, 2002) vs #13 Lost Odyssey (Mistwalker Studios, 1998)

Lost Odyssey was a quiet, literary little throwback to a simpler time in RPGs. Metroid Prime was a quiet, solitary little that took what should have been a throwback to the Metroid games of yore and turned into some sort of mutant behemoth that only knows how to be amazing. Art design is a gift, and Metroid Prime has this in spades.

#6 GoldenEye 007 (Rare, 1998) vs #11 Jade Empire (BioWare, 2005)

GoldenEye was great, but have you played it in the past decade? No, thanks. Jade Empire is criminally underrated. Not anymore. It finally has the recognition it DEMANDS in this silly bracket that 50 people will read.

You're welcome, BioWare.


#3 Halo 3 (Bungie, 2007) vs #14 Halo 3: ODST (Bungie, 2009)


The last game in the Halo trilogy faces it's own spawn in late west-coast matchup. Master Chief was dominant for the favorites, with more rebounds than lines of dialogue. The scrappy underdog fought back with Nathan Goddamn Fillion, but was eventually worn down to the verge of defeat. Then the Halo Array was activated and all advanced life was wiped clean in the entire known galaxy. Oops? ODST wins, just because.


#7 Gears of War 3 (Epic Games, 2011) vs #10 Deus Ex: Human Revolution (Eidos Montreal, 2011)

Gears 3 had a great gameplan in the works, and then the game's ending was leaked and for some reason they didn't change anything. DXHR star player Adam Jensen, despite repeatedly stating that he never asked for this, recorded and sextuple-double and personally assassinated 3/4ths of the Gears cast with these wicked elbow blade things he's got.

Gears 3 forfeits due to lack of players/coherent plotting.


#2 Mass Effect 2 (BioWare, 2010) vs #15 Unreal Tournament (Epic Games, 1999)


Unreal Tournament steps up to the proverbial plate with the sort of swagger only a late 90s shooter could ever hope to conjure. Squealing guitars and crude-looking bits of what we're supposed to believe are people rain down around the arena. When the dust clears, not a single opposing player is standing. Unreal Tourney reigns triumphant.

Then everyone realizes that instead of ME2, Unreal had been fighting longtime nemesis Quake III: Arena, Commander Shepard having used a renegade interrupt to convince them to fight in his stead. In fairness, he had told Unreal Tourney of this development, but they had ignored him while screaming something about frags.

Mass Effect 2 wins in a landslide.

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